Sat Mar 23, 2024 11:33 pm by globalturbo
Collected Comedy of TS Caladan
April 29, 2022
So pleased how this Funny Book turned out. I had put together a large collection of humorous, odd things and true stories over 7 decades in my head that they had to come out of me. What pleasure there was in recollections of old stories and the creation of new, weird stuff. A splice of my life. You’ll learn about me reading this book. After the last two years, my comedic floodgates overrun and I had to laugh. Maybe you need to laugh? The true stories are precious to me and I’m happy they’ve been recorded in text. If I was young and good-looking and confident or silly-looking and could successfully deliver jokes, I might have gotten a gig on SNL? Or as a writer? I mean, Will Ferrell got his SNL job for screaming: “Get down off the shed!!” I have material at least as good. Enjoy.
Usually a ‘foreword’ is written by someone other than the author. In Tray’s case, it applies. This book was fun and we wrote it quickly…
~ Doug Yurchey ~ TS Caladan ~ DH Jetson ~
[Maybe the material isn’t hilarious? But, it’s original. Comedy isn’t pretty and it’s not easy. You be funnier. Where’s your Funny Book?].
“Hey, Cheech! I saw a UFO!!” You know it’s a believable UFO when you hear about it from CHONG.
Mick Jagger, if you can’t get no satisfaction, what hope is there for the rest of us?
A man walks into a bar…and hurts his head.
I heard this from Johnny Two Times, Johnny Two Times: They’re having a musical reunion of ‘80s bands. ‘The The’ starts off the show. The next act is ‘Talk Talk.’ Of course, headlining the show is ‘Duran Duran.’
I’m old and I have to get up a few times every night just to pee. Should I get one of those “diaper” thingees? Depends.
When you see Depeche Mode perform today…it’s more like Depressed Mode.
Why would aliens want to probe us? Or eat us? They wouldn’t do that. We don’t taste good…they told me.
Mister Spock has sex once every 7 years. Lucky bastard.
Captain Kirk said: “Above all, a god needs compassion…(and hair).”
I’ve seen a lot of movies and sci-fi and the one thing I can say about space? IT’S VERY LOUD!!
Wilhelm II, the last German emperor was little-known for what he put on his spaghetti: Kaiser saucey.
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid aren’t friends anymore. Not since the Kid’s been sellin’ his ‘Sundance’ spaghetti sauce.
I found the number for the Pony Express. I called them with a special order. I wanted them to deliver my pony…slowly.
I am very pissed off at my Voodoo Doll. You probably know what I’m going to do? I’m going to get very large needles and stick them in me – and then watch the pain on the little fucker’s face.
Your phones do everything now. There’s even a blowjob app.
I was shattered the other day. I think it was Shatter Day.
Elvis Presley sang one of his songs differently for Hugh Hefner in the Playboy Mansion: “In the grotto…”
The first profession was not Prostitution, like they say. It was spaceship building and cloning. We had to transport the gorgeous, cloned Show Girls somehow.
So Olive Oyl was a whore? Sweet Pea was her love-child? Who was the father? Is that why Popeye and Bluto always fought?
True story: That bastard Mark (Devo) Mothersbaugh! I went to a showing of Olivia’s artwork in Hollywood and recognized this guy. He was dressed like a clown. No, he was dressed like a clown. I went up to him and wanted to get into a ‘De-Evolution’ talk, which is my specialty. That bastard told me to: “Go back to listening to Billy Joel.” The Phony Fucker! Then I saw him again at the Simpsons. I should have said, “Remember me? Newsflash: Billy Joel’s ‘Allentown’ is a damn good song, you Ohioan bastard! And it’s in Pennsylvania! Go Steelers.”
If I was a superhero, who would I be and what powers would I have? I’d be the Silver Shrink, with the amazing power to instantly know anyone’s deepest secrets, hidden emotional issues and strike at the core of their darkest fears. “You understand, Draculon, that your father, the Whore-Beast, didn’t love you? …That’s it, get it all out of your system.”
Should the Pope be one of the richest people on Earth?
Guess who is the only person who eats vegemite? Dolemite. (‘Black exploitation films,’ I gotta explain these obscure ones). He washed it down with Barley water. What’s wrong with the British? They boil barley grains in water and drink that shit? It’s at Wimbledon. It’s shit. Have they conned the world that everything can be made into a delicious TEA? And they only use 1 adjective: “bwrilliant.” There’s a tangent.
What’s black and white and red all over? Old films of Communist China and Russia. With recent events, I was so angry at Premier Putin. I was going to call him and give him a piece of my mind. I’d demand: “Put-a-Putin on!” But I didn’t when I realized it wasn’t him or Russia that attacked the Ukraine. It was, again, your tax dollars at work!
Michelangelo painted God’s bare ass on the Sistine Ceiling and no one’s noticed this or mentioned it in 500 years? If this isn’t a Mandela Effect, I don’t know what else is~. Bart Simpson never snickered under it? You mean, Sarah Silverman never called the world’s attention to God’s BUTT? It’s right next to the golden Sun. Sun and the MOON. No one has made this joke in 500 years? Let me be the first…
When 9/11 happened, did the first people pause for a second when they phoned 9-1-1?
Have you noticed that Elton John and Billy Jean King look exactly alike now? They’re often photographed together and you really can’t tell them apart. Oprah and her staff couldn’t tell the difference. They introduced Elton as Billy and the audience believed it. Oprah said: “You’ve had such an illustrious career over decades and now you’re retiring from being in the public spotlight. Tell us how you feel at this time (Billy)? The singer busted out with a medley of songs: “Amoreena…Where to now St. Peter, show me which road I’m on…Good-bye Yellow Brick Road…” Later, a stunned Oprah said, “That was quite impressive, Billy Jean.”
Have you ever had sex camping? It’s in tents.
You know you’re old when you’ve just watched ‘Gilligan’s Island’ and Mrs. Howell is really lookin’ good, mama. Oh Lovey, how you doin’?
I bought an invisible car. If you buy an invisible car, don’t do what I did. Don’t get drunk at a bar, promise your friends a badass ride in an invisible car and then completely forget where you parked.
Babies on Venus are Super-Geniuses. When Nikola Tesla was born, he was only a Genius. He’d never make the esteemed Venusian Academy. Venusians were embarrassed by this “throwback” who was slow, special and had arrested development. They thought he’d do much better on primitive Earth. Boy, did he thrive on Earth! He used that Genius mind and invented the AC Current, TV, radio, radar, all forms of lighting and even Wireless Electricity (still suppressed to this day). Little Nicky brought the primitive planet out of the Dark Ages and was by far the smartest man to ever walk the Earth. Not bad for a retard.
What did they discover on Uranus? Polyps.
I worked in a secret, underground, government facility and they had a Transporter. Like in Star Trek, they could beam things from one chamber to another! I thought, fantastic! What an incredible machine! Super things could be achieved now. Guess what the feds did with it? They made Fly-People out of it. But the Fly-People were nice, calm, not violent like in the movies. You just had to get used to the big head and 1000 eyes. I didn’t see what happened to the Fly-People, but I did see what they did to the…People-Flies. You know? “Help me!” The little flies with people-heads. They had them in a big container and they really put them through a lot of shit, which they liked.
DH Jetson was born Doug Yurchey in Pittsburgh, PA. in 1951 to Rose and Stephen Yurchey. A shy, only-child retreated into his own world and drew pictures. He earned a tennis scholarship to Edinboro State as an art major only to quit and begin the ‘Art Trek’ gallery. He married a psychic (Katrina, pictured) that would forever change his life and send him on a course to solve great mysteries. In 1990-91, he worked on the ‘Simpsons’ as a background artist. Doug became ‘TS Caladan’ with his first published novel. [Call him: Tray]. He now has a 2nd pen-name. Tray’s videos, radio shows, articles, theories, ideas, stories, patent, New Sports and Art can be viewed online. His positive message of a “Human Genesis” from Mars and ancient technology {Atlantis} based on the electrical work of Nikola Tesla, permeates his theories and research as well as his Science-Fiction and personal life.
. Son of Zog
. The Cydonian War
. Science-Faction Vol. 1 (short stories)
. Science-Faction Vol. 2 (short stories)
. The Anagramacron
. 2099 ~ Transia
. inspiration
. The Mandela Effect
. The New Men and the New World
. Beyond Barronsland
. The Best of TS Caladan
. Mandela Effect II
. Collected Comedy of TS Caladan
Contact author, comments and questions are welcome, also for signed copies of his books.
TSCALADAN@gmail.com
Find links to all his e-books and paperbacks at:
www.twbpress.com/authortraycaladan.html
https://blog.world-mysteries.com/guest_authors/collected-comedy-of-ts-caladan/
Thanks to: https://blog.world-mysteries.com
April 29, 2022
Introducing 14th Published Book!
‘Collected Comedy of TS Caladan’
~funny, true stories and jokes~
So pleased how this Funny Book turned out. I had put together a large collection of humorous, odd things and true stories over 7 decades in my head that they had to come out of me. What pleasure there was in recollections of old stories and the creation of new, weird stuff. A splice of my life. You’ll learn about me reading this book. After the last two years, my comedic floodgates overrun and I had to laugh. Maybe you need to laugh? The true stories are precious to me and I’m happy they’ve been recorded in text. If I was young and good-looking and confident or silly-looking and could successfully deliver jokes, I might have gotten a gig on SNL? Or as a writer? I mean, Will Ferrell got his SNL job for screaming: “Get down off the shed!!” I have material at least as good. Enjoy.
Usually a ‘foreword’ is written by someone other than the author. In Tray’s case, it applies. This book was fun and we wrote it quickly…
~ Doug Yurchey ~ TS Caladan ~ DH Jetson ~
[Maybe the material isn’t hilarious? But, it’s original. Comedy isn’t pretty and it’s not easy. You be funnier. Where’s your Funny Book?].
“Hey, Cheech! I saw a UFO!!” You know it’s a believable UFO when you hear about it from CHONG.
Mick Jagger, if you can’t get no satisfaction, what hope is there for the rest of us?
A man walks into a bar…and hurts his head.
I heard this from Johnny Two Times, Johnny Two Times: They’re having a musical reunion of ‘80s bands. ‘The The’ starts off the show. The next act is ‘Talk Talk.’ Of course, headlining the show is ‘Duran Duran.’
I’m old and I have to get up a few times every night just to pee. Should I get one of those “diaper” thingees? Depends.
When you see Depeche Mode perform today…it’s more like Depressed Mode.
Why would aliens want to probe us? Or eat us? They wouldn’t do that. We don’t taste good…they told me.
Mister Spock has sex once every 7 years. Lucky bastard.
Captain Kirk said: “Above all, a god needs compassion…(and hair).”
I’ve seen a lot of movies and sci-fi and the one thing I can say about space? IT’S VERY LOUD!!
Wilhelm II, the last German emperor was little-known for what he put on his spaghetti: Kaiser saucey.
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid aren’t friends anymore. Not since the Kid’s been sellin’ his ‘Sundance’ spaghetti sauce.
I found the number for the Pony Express. I called them with a special order. I wanted them to deliver my pony…slowly.
I am very pissed off at my Voodoo Doll. You probably know what I’m going to do? I’m going to get very large needles and stick them in me – and then watch the pain on the little fucker’s face.
Your phones do everything now. There’s even a blowjob app.
I was shattered the other day. I think it was Shatter Day.
Elvis Presley sang one of his songs differently for Hugh Hefner in the Playboy Mansion: “In the grotto…”
The first profession was not Prostitution, like they say. It was spaceship building and cloning. We had to transport the gorgeous, cloned Show Girls somehow.
So Olive Oyl was a whore? Sweet Pea was her love-child? Who was the father? Is that why Popeye and Bluto always fought?
True story: That bastard Mark (Devo) Mothersbaugh! I went to a showing of Olivia’s artwork in Hollywood and recognized this guy. He was dressed like a clown. No, he was dressed like a clown. I went up to him and wanted to get into a ‘De-Evolution’ talk, which is my specialty. That bastard told me to: “Go back to listening to Billy Joel.” The Phony Fucker! Then I saw him again at the Simpsons. I should have said, “Remember me? Newsflash: Billy Joel’s ‘Allentown’ is a damn good song, you Ohioan bastard! And it’s in Pennsylvania! Go Steelers.”
If I was a superhero, who would I be and what powers would I have? I’d be the Silver Shrink, with the amazing power to instantly know anyone’s deepest secrets, hidden emotional issues and strike at the core of their darkest fears. “You understand, Draculon, that your father, the Whore-Beast, didn’t love you? …That’s it, get it all out of your system.”
I was on a Loon List, truly. I was #137 of Crazy Researchers and I wrote back: “I am highly insulted sir!! 137? I am WAY crazier than that! 137??”
Should the Pope be one of the richest people on Earth?
Guess who is the only person who eats vegemite? Dolemite. (‘Black exploitation films,’ I gotta explain these obscure ones). He washed it down with Barley water. What’s wrong with the British? They boil barley grains in water and drink that shit? It’s at Wimbledon. It’s shit. Have they conned the world that everything can be made into a delicious TEA? And they only use 1 adjective: “bwrilliant.” There’s a tangent.
What’s black and white and red all over? Old films of Communist China and Russia. With recent events, I was so angry at Premier Putin. I was going to call him and give him a piece of my mind. I’d demand: “Put-a-Putin on!” But I didn’t when I realized it wasn’t him or Russia that attacked the Ukraine. It was, again, your tax dollars at work!
Michelangelo painted God’s bare ass on the Sistine Ceiling and no one’s noticed this or mentioned it in 500 years? If this isn’t a Mandela Effect, I don’t know what else is~. Bart Simpson never snickered under it? You mean, Sarah Silverman never called the world’s attention to God’s BUTT? It’s right next to the golden Sun. Sun and the MOON. No one has made this joke in 500 years? Let me be the first…
When 9/11 happened, did the first people pause for a second when they phoned 9-1-1?
Have you noticed that Elton John and Billy Jean King look exactly alike now? They’re often photographed together and you really can’t tell them apart. Oprah and her staff couldn’t tell the difference. They introduced Elton as Billy and the audience believed it. Oprah said: “You’ve had such an illustrious career over decades and now you’re retiring from being in the public spotlight. Tell us how you feel at this time (Billy)? The singer busted out with a medley of songs: “Amoreena…Where to now St. Peter, show me which road I’m on…Good-bye Yellow Brick Road…” Later, a stunned Oprah said, “That was quite impressive, Billy Jean.”
Have you ever had sex camping? It’s in tents.
You know you’re old when you’ve just watched ‘Gilligan’s Island’ and Mrs. Howell is really lookin’ good, mama. Oh Lovey, how you doin’?
I bought an invisible car. If you buy an invisible car, don’t do what I did. Don’t get drunk at a bar, promise your friends a badass ride in an invisible car and then completely forget where you parked.
Babies on Venus are Super-Geniuses. When Nikola Tesla was born, he was only a Genius. He’d never make the esteemed Venusian Academy. Venusians were embarrassed by this “throwback” who was slow, special and had arrested development. They thought he’d do much better on primitive Earth. Boy, did he thrive on Earth! He used that Genius mind and invented the AC Current, TV, radio, radar, all forms of lighting and even Wireless Electricity (still suppressed to this day). Little Nicky brought the primitive planet out of the Dark Ages and was by far the smartest man to ever walk the Earth. Not bad for a retard.
What did they discover on Uranus? Polyps.
I worked in a secret, underground, government facility and they had a Transporter. Like in Star Trek, they could beam things from one chamber to another! I thought, fantastic! What an incredible machine! Super things could be achieved now. Guess what the feds did with it? They made Fly-People out of it. But the Fly-People were nice, calm, not violent like in the movies. You just had to get used to the big head and 1000 eyes. I didn’t see what happened to the Fly-People, but I did see what they did to the…People-Flies. You know? “Help me!” The little flies with people-heads. They had them in a big container and they really put them through a lot of shit, which they liked.
DH Jetson was born Doug Yurchey in Pittsburgh, PA. in 1951 to Rose and Stephen Yurchey. A shy, only-child retreated into his own world and drew pictures. He earned a tennis scholarship to Edinboro State as an art major only to quit and begin the ‘Art Trek’ gallery. He married a psychic (Katrina, pictured) that would forever change his life and send him on a course to solve great mysteries. In 1990-91, he worked on the ‘Simpsons’ as a background artist. Doug became ‘TS Caladan’ with his first published novel. [Call him: Tray]. He now has a 2nd pen-name. Tray’s videos, radio shows, articles, theories, ideas, stories, patent, New Sports and Art can be viewed online. His positive message of a “Human Genesis” from Mars and ancient technology {Atlantis} based on the electrical work of Nikola Tesla, permeates his theories and research as well as his Science-Fiction and personal life.
Other books written by TS Caladan / DH Jetson:
. The Continuum. Son of Zog
. The Cydonian War
. Science-Faction Vol. 1 (short stories)
. Science-Faction Vol. 2 (short stories)
. The Anagramacron
. 2099 ~ Transia
. inspiration
. The Mandela Effect
. The New Men and the New World
. Beyond Barronsland
. The Best of TS Caladan
. Mandela Effect II
. Collected Comedy of TS Caladan
Contact author, comments and questions are welcome, also for signed copies of his books.
TSCALADAN@gmail.com
Find links to all his e-books and paperbacks at:
www.twbpress.com/authortraycaladan.html
https://blog.world-mysteries.com/guest_authors/collected-comedy-of-ts-caladan/
Thanks to: https://blog.world-mysteries.com
